now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
