When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You pole danced in your parka.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
