if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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