She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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