hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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