Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
