yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My vagina is officially offended.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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