DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize