I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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