never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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