Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
