I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
