You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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