god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
