I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
there is glitter all over my balls
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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