dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
