there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
