Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
