dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
