I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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