don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
