I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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