if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My pussy is not your playground.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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