I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You made out with two different species that night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
