she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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