you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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