Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
