shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
