so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
