there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
