never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
