I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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