some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
