Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
