Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
