Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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