Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
