Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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