she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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