you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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