dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
