i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
