he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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