I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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