I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
