It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
