my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
