wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
