Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So vagazzling was a success
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
