After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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