I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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