You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
