I didn't shave. On purpose
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
