If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
