That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
