god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
