he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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