I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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