Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Semen is not good for contacts.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
