Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
